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What has spiritual direction opened for you? << Previous Next >>
Guest author: Liz Budd Ellmann, MDiv
This story was submitted by Mary Karp on the Spiritual Directors International Web site:
By the time I was in my mid 40's, I had established a career in Clinical Social Work; was comfortable with God and my faith of Quakerism; was married to my college sweetheart -- with a beautiful home, two fine boys, a Golden Retriever, and even two cars! I was set.
Then, in one dramatic 24-hour period, it all began to unravel. Within a short span of time, I was diagnosed first with Lupus SLE then with Parkinson’s: two life threatening, chronic diseases. At first, I tried to manage the chaos that the Lupus brought to our lives, all on my own. Within a short time, however, I was driven to the use of drugs and psychiatry for depression when, two years into the diagnosis, the Lupus inflamed my kidneys and my very life was suddenly on the line. It was after stabilizing on an experimental chemotherapy, that I stumbled across 'Spiritual Direction' and knew instinctively and immediately that that was my door to sanity, even as I had no idea what spiritual direction really was. In that critical
Moment, I knew only that I was exhausted, and that therapy could not touch the pain I was in – it was spiritual. I was spinning helplessly – in increasingly tight circles – desperate for relief from relentless questions:WHERE WAS GOD?
WHAT HAD I DONE TO DESERVE THIS?!
HOW COULD I LIVE WITH THIS MEDICAL NIGHTMARE?
MY FAMILY SHOULD NOT HAVE TO LIVE WITH THIS LEVEL OF CHAOS AND LOSS –
IT IS NOT FAIR!!
WHY ME?!
GOD HAS BETRAYED ME!!Spiritual direction has done nothing short of quieting me down, helping me to grow up and into my new reality, creating a container for my fears and extreme panic, and bringing me home to myself and my God. Spiritual direction has transformed my life to one of possibilities out of my now deepened and renewed relationship with the God-of-my-understanding.
With a deep bow of gratitude, we thank you, Mary, for letting people around the world and across traditions know about how spiritual direction transformed you.
In the comments section of the blog, please reply and share your thoughts about how spiritual direction has transformed you. Or if you prefer, you may add your comments through the Share Your Story Web page.
07/02,2010, at 18:23
Mary, your story is so touching. You sound like a modern day Job. In my own circumstances, during a period of profound stress after the near death of my wife, Virginia, in 1998, the flooding of the church I was serving in 2003, and a massive building campaign in my next appointment, I fell apart, and suffered from major depression. If it had not been for my spiritual director who helped me see that I was working through a "dark night of the soul" and being into a time where I would become not just renewed, but transformed by the purging away of attitudes which drew farther away from God in order that I might draw closer. The pain has subsided. My life is taking on a new meaning and direction. I am leaving parish ministry after 34 years, and moving in another direction in ministry. All this could not have been possible without: Good friends, who held me accountable to my disciplines, spoke the truth in love to me, a life coach, who helped me understand living in the now, two counselors, who helped me understand more deeply the dark side of myself, and at the same time discover wonders in the depths. It hasn't been fun. But, it has led to greater understanding of my own humanity, the humanity of others and the subtle ways God shapes us for a new day. God bless you in your journey.
07/03,2010, at 13:19
Mary and Chris, I have rarely replied to blogsbut was very moved by both of your stories. I too thought my world was complete with love, a beautiful child, home, cars, meaningful work, joy...and then unexpectedly I had complications from a surgery that turned my life inside out. I had to end my job for about a year, fell into a very significant depression and unrelenting pain........exterior and interior. And though I experienced God as absent, I realized now that God was so close I couldn't see him/her. Ientered a spiritual direction program and have a spiritual director, as well as a therapist...and friends and family and love and joy and gratitude. The days are not always easy.....I read a sign yesterday that said "Safety is not the ansence of danger...it is the presence of God..." a very transformative time. Thank you for sharing your stories.